Goodbye Garrett

Today's blog is my accounting of December, 19, 2009. It's the day we said our final good bye to Garrett who died December 11, 2009.

Garrett was born November 12, 2009 with a rare condition called vein of Galen malformation. He didn't present with any problems on that day or the several days after birth. It wasn't until he went home on Saturday that our trial and ultimate journey started.

Vein of Galen malformation (www.veinofgalen.com) affects only 20-30 people in the US and approximately 400 worldwide. Wow!!! Most don't survive the early stages however there are many who are left with existing lives. There was one 25 year old man who started having problems, the vein problem was diagnosed and corrected. God bless him and his family for the years they had and will have with him.

We rode to the funeral with our daughter Michelle and husband Josh. It was a 2 hour ride and we had plenty of talk. I love my relationship with Michelle. We've gone full circle and come out the better. I hope she feels the same. Josh was a bit timid when he first came into the family but one night he broke out of it with a joke against another daughter and its been fun ever since.

We were caravaning with Carrie and Roger who were carrying Meg, Steve and Candice. We stopped to eat before going to the church. It was an awkward time of talk and chidding but I think people deal with grief in different ways just as I use to deal with nervousness in being with Michelle and Mindi in the early days.

We made it to the church a little past 1:00pm. There were tables dressed with tablecloths and crosses on them for seating and eating later. And then there was Garrett's table with pictures of him throughout this ordeal, a large 16x20 picture of him, a casting of his feet and little hands, a place for cards and a computer set up to filter through pictures of Garrett, family and friends. Next to the table stood Chris and Mindi waiting to greet everyone.

From afar, she looked amazing as she did up close. Not a blotch on that pretty face. Chris however was a different sight. I approached the table with caution because this was someone that I had great love, respect and admiration for and I wanted to afford him the proper respect.

I inspected the pictures of him, touching them in the hopes that I could feel his soft skin under my fingers, that maybe he would coo or sneeze. Nothing. I looked at pictures I hadn't seen. Smiled at the pictures holding him and seeing their smiles and the happiness this little boy brought them. I ran my fingers over the cast of his fingers and feet.

I dropped the sympathy card and Chris' birthday card down and prepared myself for IT. I hugged Chris and for the first time in 8 years I felt a good hug. I said I am so sorry. How can you convey your heart's feeling and emotion in those words. How can you tell someone how much you're hurting when this was their son? I started to cry and asked him to continue to hug me so I could regain my composure and Mindi wouldn't know I was tearing up.

I moved to Mindi. There she was. Smiling and waiting for me. She probably picked up her smile that morning while putting on make up for the days use. I hugged her. I felt a hug back. Wow! It felt good. I said I'm so sorry. If I could take this burden for you I would. I love you so much. I kept hugging her and hugging her as if the more I gave her the more likely this event would not be happening.

We were ushered into a room where prayer was said and we were lined up for procession into the sanctuary. Friends were on the right side and family on the left. Mindi, Chris and Jonathan plus Pam and husband, Kurt were seated and then Martin and I, Gerald and Ruth Klein (Chris' parents) and Great Grandma Rossing and then whatever.

Singing was done, prayer, verses and then Martin spoke. Everyone said afterward what a great job he did. I don't know. I was in and out so many times I can't even tell you what he said. I kept looking for Garrett. I kept trying to feel him around me. I couldn't find him.

Martin would stumble with emotions, recompose himself and plug on. One thing I do know is that he really came out of his comfort zone for that talk. At one point, someone came and took Jonathan out and I just wanted to hold him. He doesn't know me very well. And finally, the last song "Held" and the picture show.

I looked at the pictures, the smiles, everyone smiling. How could this little boy bringing such joy and happiness be taken from us? I already knew the song--a tear jerker which got everyone crying. And I find myself so conflicted on this.

Ok, so he was born with this rare disease. Do I want him to suffer--NO!! Do I want him to go? NO!! I don't want him to suffer and therefore, the unselfish thing to do is to say, go, God's angel is calling you. The selfish part says, stay with me. Then Garrett says, Grandma, I'm sick and I can't be healed here, they've tried. I've given my best, each and every day and at every request. I'm tired. Can I please go home?

Yes, my darling. Go. We will see each other at another time. I will miss you, I will cry and my heart will ache. But knowing that I had the chance to hold you, to kiss you, and to know you will sustain me. That and our Heavenly Father and his word.

I love you Garrett.

Grandma Rossing