Today in speaking with my daughter I heard that I had violated her trust.
I know in taking my vow to marriage, there was the vow to love, honor and obey. Does it say that we will trust?
We are to trust in the Lord and walk in faith.
How is trust obtained, kept, lost and regained?
I have three biological girls, Carrie, Meagan and Candice. As each child was born, these beautiful children were each placed on a pedestal (unknowingly). They were so beautiful, a gift from God, and how I loved them.
As each started to walk, love grew and so did trust. Trust that each could stand on their own.
As they began to talk (parents wish for this along with walking, only to ask why), we again add to our pride and love bank.
As this bank is filled, the pedestal they were put on when they were born starts to rise. We feel such love, such pride and trust that when anything happens, the all to familiar phrase comes out. "My child could never do anything like that!" We know in our hearts that we loved them, taught them right from wrong, and disciplined when necessary and that deemed our utmost trust.
Parents will go to the hill to fight for a chid because that bank is full and the pedestal high. I know, I've done it for each of them. Parents: your pedestal will fall, trust me. Why? Because we are not perfect.
But at what point do we as parents start filling their trust bank? Do they have one? Is it everytime we pick them up, hug and kiss them? Do we get put on pedestals?
The danger with pedestals is that we fall, the disappointment, the broken trust is devastating. I know, I've felt it. It was at the time we fall off the pedestal that we come back to reality, that we are all human and will make mistakes.
As parents we have to remember that we too were children and at some point and in some cases, many points,we too violated the trust of our parents. And we continued to be loved.
This writing is in no way written to ease the pain of distrust I have placed in my daughter. It is only to say that I love my children, I am human, I make mistakes, you make mistakes and I hope that I can rebuild what was lost.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Helpless in Florida
Roger and Bennett
Carrie, Tucker and Bennett
This is my oldest daughter, Carrie Ann. I'm so proud of this woman and I love her.
I was told that I couldn't conceive. It took a while but I accepted it. However, one day I was leaving for my job and started to throw up. We were in Germany at the time, and the previous night we had chinese food (in Germany? Yep, it was good). So I chalked it up to that.
We were moving into our permanent quarters on base and I just wasn't feeling good. I eventually went to the doctor and he told me my rabbit had died. I didn't have a rabbit. Never having heard the term, he told me I was pregnant. Now, I had to go home and tell the hubby.
I didn't have any instruction or knowledge of the whole process and therefore, when Carrie Ann came into the world it was scary, daunting, and exciting all at the same time. We were alone together just she and I as my husband at the time was playing golf. It was really important to him. More so, than his child or me.
We were alone most of the time...she was a beautiful baby. She didn't have hair until she was 2 years and only peach fuzz. Then it came in, bleach blonde. She was a beauty.
Because we were in the army, we moved a bit. We left my husband when she was 9 months and again, we were alone. It was my choice. For Carrie and me, I aways thought of us as that song says "you and me against the world".
See had a difficult childhood and because of the person I was then, I'm afraid she didn't get the best of moms. Because of her situation, she suffered physical and emotional abuse and at one time wanted to end her life. For a while, I couldn't sleep at night and would go into her room many times just to make sure she was ok.
One day at work, I received a call that no parent wants to receive. One telling you that your child has been in an accident and taken to Southdale Hospital. Where the heck was that? Someone gave me directions and I rushed to her.
She was covered in blood and on table with a doctor working on her. Her face was cut up pretty bad as she went into the windshield. The doctor asked me if I had a strong stomach and if so, I could stay. He proceeded to pull the skin from Carrie's forehead back and extract glass framents from her face. She was a mess.
At one point I had to leave or I was going to lose my lunch. Dr said if I couldn't stay put I had to leave. I wasn't going to leave her but I did put my head down many times. We left the hospital with medicine in hand and I took her home.
She had moved out when she was barely 18 and into an apartment with 3 other girls. But here is where it gets great. Roger was called and told about Carrie and he rushed to the apartment to be with her. She didn't want him to see her but he wanted to take care of her. I thought to myself, if he can go through this with her, he can take anything.
I was dismissed to go home and Roger would take care of her. He was caring, tender, gentle, loving, and attentive. He took good care of her and as I watched, I thought this is the kind of man I would want for her. She endured two more surgeries to fix her face and then she said enough. No more. She would live with her face and she was fine with it.
She endured ups and downs and eventually Carrie and Roger married. She was a beautiful bride and Roger was stunning in his tux. He is very kind but I don't think people really see it. He puts on that strong, gruff appearance and the gentle side of him doesn't show through.
They were married in 2001 and in 2005 we welcomed Tucker James Bastyr into the world. Then in 2007 we welcomed Bennett Roger Bastyr into the world. They are both beatiful little boys who carry both their parents in them.
As of late, however, things have been difficult. There is need for prayer and support for this family. As a mother and one who loves her chidren so deeply, I feel helpless. I wish I could make this better. She is wondering what she has done, why is she being put through this fire and what lesson is there to learn.
I sit here in Florida and my heart aches for her. What can I do but listen and pray and be there when she needs me. Lord knows I would do anything for her. I love her so much.
I'm so sorry I can't make it better, honey. I don't know what to do for you.
Lord, you know the situation and you know their needs. Please let Carrie feel your presence and know that you are walking beside her and that she is NOT alone. Hear her cries and prayers and give her peace and comfort to walk through not only her home situation but her work sutation. Lord, I pray that you will resolve this situation quickly so that those two little boys can have their parents back, their homelife restored and their relationship strengthened and deepened by their love and by you. In Jesus' holy and precious name. Amen.
I love you Carrie. Mom
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
You Are Accountable
So today we went to the dog park. She knows the routine and as soon as I make the left into the park, the window goes down and her head goes out. She's sniffing in the wind, literally.
As soon as I start to slow, she knows, we're almost there. The tail (stub-but a cute one) starts to wag at the speed of light and it's really hard to contain her all the while trying to park, grab keys, grab her and get out of the car.
There were a lot of dogs at the park today. It was a nice day for having started out at 48degrees at 9:00am. I took the chair next to Sharon who is also from northern Minnesota. We talked about her dogs (Maxwell Smart and Harri Truman (female)).
Harri got into it with Mitzee who is so laid back. There were two daschunds that were really causing quite the stir. Chipper was constantly barking and showing teeth at the other dogs. It just seemed like all the dogs were in severe PMS (regardless of their gender).
At one point Chipper showed teeth to Mitzee and that did it. No one else was saying anything and so I felt like the baton had been handed to me.
I approached the owners and asked if Chipper had been neutered, trying to find a reason for his behavior. Yep. Is he having a bad day today. I don't understand it, his female owner says, he's usually quite loving. Got to see that. I asked what do you think is going on? His male owner said that it's probably because they don't get out much and this is their first time.
I told them that the dog park is suppose to be a safe place for all to come and enjoy. It is the responsibiity of the owner to watch over his pet and pick up after him as well as watch his behavior so as not to cause conflicts with the other dogs.
There was no response other than to throw the ball again. I tried making friends with Chipper and he just barked and barked and showed his teeth to me. His female owner apologized repeatedly and said I don't know what's wrong with him. I told her that sometimes a little swat on the tush is in order so that order may be kept. Oh, I couldn't do that...it seems so harsh.
She then told her husband that they should leave as the dogs were being disruptive. Good idea. They continued to stay.
A short while later, they did leave not without Chipper attacking the incoming dogs at which time, the male owner gave him a swat which elicited a response from his wife and they left fighting.
So my question is this: Why didn't he take charge of his dog? Why was it everyone's job to look after not only their dogs but his? It seems that today that is the mantra (someone else will do it).
Question: Are they doing a disservice to the dogs?
Things I Love - God
I was born and raised catholic 56 years ago. My mother was a devout catholic and did her duty admirably.
We went to church every Sunday and I went to cathechism every Monday after school. Since I never read well, I struggled. But for some reason, I just didn't get into the faith. I was baptized, received my first communion and was confirmed in the catholic church. I believe in God.
But with all the time on my knees, the pounding from the pulpit, the times I was made to feel bad about myself because I sinned and the time I spent worrying about going to hell; I ran away from my faith when I left home at 18. It was just too hard to be a catholic.
I joined the Army, got married, had a child, left my husband (2 times), divorced my husband. It never occurred to me to go back to church even though I continued to pray but my relationship with Him was non-existent.
Eventually I married the son of a methodist minister. Did it drive US to church? Sometimes! But we were more the "comfortable christian". That marriage resulted in 14 years and two beautiful children and another divorce. Did this drive me to Him? No, although I was never without prayer.
Several years later marriage was proposed again. Now, I need to stay focused on God (I don't know if you've noticed, I can get sidetracked).
As with any marriage, you inherit the baggage when you say I do. But since I had been married twice, I wasn't going to settle. Since he had two girls, I prayed for God to allow me to love Michelle and Melinda as if they were my own AND it had to happen before we married. It did, I said I do and it was the one decision that I knew in my heart was the right one.
So I inherited my mother in law. Bad connotation the in law part or even step this or step that. It wasn't easy at first. I had to prove myself to her. Eventually, the walls came down. But back to my love for God.
I was ripping wallpaper in the kitchen, had the music going to KTIS (local christian station but don't ask me why). They were having a share-athon. I listened to the stories people were telling, I was crying, then I was calling my husband to ask if I could make a pledge. That was the beginning.
Two days later, I was brushing my teeth and I looked in the mirror. I didn't like what I saw and broke down crying. I was ashamed of who I was. I was an ugly person and I needed to change.
I cried most of the morning before calling my mother in law. She was a godly woman and would know. She told me to pray about it. How? I pleaded as if she would make it all better. She did in many ways. She told me to pray to Him that I would be made into the person HE wanted me to be. And so it started and continues.
I love my mother in law. She has been to me a great mother, mentor, teacher, listening board and more. She's instructed me on kids, people, sex, men, marriage, death, evil, humility, pride, and much more. She is a godly and giving woman, wrote a daily devotional at 83 years of age and I dread the day she goes home.
I am now a praying machine, waking and sleeping to prayer. I talk to everyone--you never know when God has put someone in your path for something I have taken God off my sleve and wear him proudly on me. I am glad to be his servant and try to be his light every day and every where.
We are all a work in progress. I can only thank God that he stayed with me. I know that I deserted you father, but I sure am glad you were there silently watching over me. Thank you.
May God enrich your lives and show YOU the way as he did mel
God Bless you all
We went to church every Sunday and I went to cathechism every Monday after school. Since I never read well, I struggled. But for some reason, I just didn't get into the faith. I was baptized, received my first communion and was confirmed in the catholic church. I believe in God.
But with all the time on my knees, the pounding from the pulpit, the times I was made to feel bad about myself because I sinned and the time I spent worrying about going to hell; I ran away from my faith when I left home at 18. It was just too hard to be a catholic.
I joined the Army, got married, had a child, left my husband (2 times), divorced my husband. It never occurred to me to go back to church even though I continued to pray but my relationship with Him was non-existent.
Eventually I married the son of a methodist minister. Did it drive US to church? Sometimes! But we were more the "comfortable christian". That marriage resulted in 14 years and two beautiful children and another divorce. Did this drive me to Him? No, although I was never without prayer.
Several years later marriage was proposed again. Now, I need to stay focused on God (I don't know if you've noticed, I can get sidetracked).
As with any marriage, you inherit the baggage when you say I do. But since I had been married twice, I wasn't going to settle. Since he had two girls, I prayed for God to allow me to love Michelle and Melinda as if they were my own AND it had to happen before we married. It did, I said I do and it was the one decision that I knew in my heart was the right one.
So I inherited my mother in law. Bad connotation the in law part or even step this or step that. It wasn't easy at first. I had to prove myself to her. Eventually, the walls came down. But back to my love for God.
I was ripping wallpaper in the kitchen, had the music going to KTIS (local christian station but don't ask me why). They were having a share-athon. I listened to the stories people were telling, I was crying, then I was calling my husband to ask if I could make a pledge. That was the beginning.
Two days later, I was brushing my teeth and I looked in the mirror. I didn't like what I saw and broke down crying. I was ashamed of who I was. I was an ugly person and I needed to change.
I cried most of the morning before calling my mother in law. She was a godly woman and would know. She told me to pray about it. How? I pleaded as if she would make it all better. She did in many ways. She told me to pray to Him that I would be made into the person HE wanted me to be. And so it started and continues.
I love my mother in law. She has been to me a great mother, mentor, teacher, listening board and more. She's instructed me on kids, people, sex, men, marriage, death, evil, humility, pride, and much more. She is a godly and giving woman, wrote a daily devotional at 83 years of age and I dread the day she goes home.
I am now a praying machine, waking and sleeping to prayer. I talk to everyone--you never know when God has put someone in your path for something I have taken God off my sleve and wear him proudly on me. I am glad to be his servant and try to be his light every day and every where.
We are all a work in progress. I can only thank God that he stayed with me. I know that I deserted you father, but I sure am glad you were there silently watching over me. Thank you.
May God enrich your lives and show YOU the way as he did mel
God Bless you all
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas Spirit
Today is December 26, 2009. The day AFTER Christmas. The ads were on TV last night announcing that stores would be opening at 7, 6, no 5:00am to cash in on those people trying to save a dollar, don't have anything more important to do, or worse yet, buy more things they don't need or can do without.
But this is what's sad. It's the day after Christmas folks, can't it wait? Are the presents open, perhaps wrapping paper all over the floor? Are the little ones still playing with their toys?. So, what's missing? Answer to come at the bottom. Clue: the movie Scrooged with Bill Murrary when he makes his speech at the end of the movie.
We came to Florida to get away from everything up north so there weren't any presents to buy. I did buy Mitzee two large bones which she won't eat and I bought Martin a beautiful card (he said so). I had just a few things to buy so I went to SuperTarget even though I knew it would be busy.
Anyway, I walked in, grabbed a cart, and heard a womann say "look at those lines." Well, da, its Christmas Eve. They were long but I figured I'd get my shopping done and with the grace of God, they'd be better.
Now, anyone who REALLY knows me, knows several important things about me: I love Christ, I love my husband and family and people, I love Christmas, christmas music and decorating for christmas. I start playing Christmas music in July, start the countdown to Christmas around August, and wish the Christmas spirit would be evident all year round.
There were people stepping over each other and being curt. Observation only Lord...not a judgement. So as I always do, I started singing Christmas songs. And if that didn't make me look crazy, I started wishing people a merry christmas. Oh my mitzee, call the crazy wagon!!!!
Now several things will happen when you do this. One, people will look and stare. People will look and comment (sometimes outloud--the kid did). People will go the other way shaking their heads and SOMETIMES, you get that one person who knows the true appreciation for all things large and small and he/she will say thank you.
Not being discouraged I kept singing, found my items and headed to the registers which were almost empty. I was singing my favorite, Home for the Holidays. It always brings me to tears (personal--if you want the story you'll have to ask).
I paid, loaded the items in my cart and as I took the last bag, a man stopped and said, thank you for singing and merry christmas. Thank you Lord. I touched one person and that's all it takes.
As I headed for the door, I saw the people in front of me, he was singing my song and I'm thinking it was to mock me. I don't think he knew I was behind him so I asked if he was going to be home. He didn't answer. What Christmas spirit.
I loaded the car and as always asked Mitzee to scoot over so I could drive and headed to Pier 1 still trying to find a star or angel for the little tree we have. They had a wonderful and FULL stock of ornaments. A lady approached me and I asked if everything was 25% off and she laughed and said only the wrapping paper was on sale. Out I went. Don't need a topper this year.
But there again it speaks to the spirit which is to the dollar and how the retailers will fair. OK, I do admit this is my judgement and opinion.
I guarantee you, when you step out anywhere today, you will find that it's as if Christmas was a long ago memory and not just 11 hours ago. Isn't that sad? We get so hyped up to get the right gift, working off a list, mind you. Wrap it, not spend too much, decorate, work, have relationships, we forget to be kind to each other. It's like Bill Murray said: It's the one day in the year we are the people we always hoped we'd be.
But, why can't we be that people EVERY DAY? Think about it.
Merry Christmas and may the rest of your year be happy and safe. And may 2010 be happy, healthy and prosperous. May God bless you.
But this is what's sad. It's the day after Christmas folks, can't it wait? Are the presents open, perhaps wrapping paper all over the floor? Are the little ones still playing with their toys?. So, what's missing? Answer to come at the bottom. Clue: the movie Scrooged with Bill Murrary when he makes his speech at the end of the movie.
We came to Florida to get away from everything up north so there weren't any presents to buy. I did buy Mitzee two large bones which she won't eat and I bought Martin a beautiful card (he said so). I had just a few things to buy so I went to SuperTarget even though I knew it would be busy.
Anyway, I walked in, grabbed a cart, and heard a womann say "look at those lines." Well, da, its Christmas Eve. They were long but I figured I'd get my shopping done and with the grace of God, they'd be better.
Now, anyone who REALLY knows me, knows several important things about me: I love Christ, I love my husband and family and people, I love Christmas, christmas music and decorating for christmas. I start playing Christmas music in July, start the countdown to Christmas around August, and wish the Christmas spirit would be evident all year round.
There were people stepping over each other and being curt. Observation only Lord...not a judgement. So as I always do, I started singing Christmas songs. And if that didn't make me look crazy, I started wishing people a merry christmas. Oh my mitzee, call the crazy wagon!!!!
Now several things will happen when you do this. One, people will look and stare. People will look and comment (sometimes outloud--the kid did). People will go the other way shaking their heads and SOMETIMES, you get that one person who knows the true appreciation for all things large and small and he/she will say thank you.
Not being discouraged I kept singing, found my items and headed to the registers which were almost empty. I was singing my favorite, Home for the Holidays. It always brings me to tears (personal--if you want the story you'll have to ask).
I paid, loaded the items in my cart and as I took the last bag, a man stopped and said, thank you for singing and merry christmas. Thank you Lord. I touched one person and that's all it takes.
As I headed for the door, I saw the people in front of me, he was singing my song and I'm thinking it was to mock me. I don't think he knew I was behind him so I asked if he was going to be home. He didn't answer. What Christmas spirit.
I loaded the car and as always asked Mitzee to scoot over so I could drive and headed to Pier 1 still trying to find a star or angel for the little tree we have. They had a wonderful and FULL stock of ornaments. A lady approached me and I asked if everything was 25% off and she laughed and said only the wrapping paper was on sale. Out I went. Don't need a topper this year.
But there again it speaks to the spirit which is to the dollar and how the retailers will fair. OK, I do admit this is my judgement and opinion.
I guarantee you, when you step out anywhere today, you will find that it's as if Christmas was a long ago memory and not just 11 hours ago. Isn't that sad? We get so hyped up to get the right gift, working off a list, mind you. Wrap it, not spend too much, decorate, work, have relationships, we forget to be kind to each other. It's like Bill Murray said: It's the one day in the year we are the people we always hoped we'd be.
But, why can't we be that people EVERY DAY? Think about it.
Merry Christmas and may the rest of your year be happy and safe. And may 2010 be happy, healthy and prosperous. May God bless you.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Goodbye Garrett
Today's blog is my accounting of December, 19, 2009. It's the day we said our final good bye to Garrett who died December 11, 2009.
Garrett was born November 12, 2009 with a rare condition called vein of Galen malformation. He didn't present with any problems on that day or the several days after birth. It wasn't until he went home on Saturday that our trial and ultimate journey started.
Vein of Galen malformation (www.veinofgalen.com) affects only 20-30 people in the US and approximately 400 worldwide. Wow!!! Most don't survive the early stages however there are many who are left with existing lives. There was one 25 year old man who started having problems, the vein problem was diagnosed and corrected. God bless him and his family for the years they had and will have with him.
We rode to the funeral with our daughter Michelle and husband Josh. It was a 2 hour ride and we had plenty of talk. I love my relationship with Michelle. We've gone full circle and come out the better. I hope she feels the same. Josh was a bit timid when he first came into the family but one night he broke out of it with a joke against another daughter and its been fun ever since.
We were caravaning with Carrie and Roger who were carrying Meg, Steve and Candice. We stopped to eat before going to the church. It was an awkward time of talk and chidding but I think people deal with grief in different ways just as I use to deal with nervousness in being with Michelle and Mindi in the early days.
We made it to the church a little past 1:00pm. There were tables dressed with tablecloths and crosses on them for seating and eating later. And then there was Garrett's table with pictures of him throughout this ordeal, a large 16x20 picture of him, a casting of his feet and little hands, a place for cards and a computer set up to filter through pictures of Garrett, family and friends. Next to the table stood Chris and Mindi waiting to greet everyone.
From afar, she looked amazing as she did up close. Not a blotch on that pretty face. Chris however was a different sight. I approached the table with caution because this was someone that I had great love, respect and admiration for and I wanted to afford him the proper respect.
I inspected the pictures of him, touching them in the hopes that I could feel his soft skin under my fingers, that maybe he would coo or sneeze. Nothing. I looked at pictures I hadn't seen. Smiled at the pictures holding him and seeing their smiles and the happiness this little boy brought them. I ran my fingers over the cast of his fingers and feet.
I dropped the sympathy card and Chris' birthday card down and prepared myself for IT. I hugged Chris and for the first time in 8 years I felt a good hug. I said I am so sorry. How can you convey your heart's feeling and emotion in those words. How can you tell someone how much you're hurting when this was their son? I started to cry and asked him to continue to hug me so I could regain my composure and Mindi wouldn't know I was tearing up.
I moved to Mindi. There she was. Smiling and waiting for me. She probably picked up her smile that morning while putting on make up for the days use. I hugged her. I felt a hug back. Wow! It felt good. I said I'm so sorry. If I could take this burden for you I would. I love you so much. I kept hugging her and hugging her as if the more I gave her the more likely this event would not be happening.
We were ushered into a room where prayer was said and we were lined up for procession into the sanctuary. Friends were on the right side and family on the left. Mindi, Chris and Jonathan plus Pam and husband, Kurt were seated and then Martin and I, Gerald and Ruth Klein (Chris' parents) and Great Grandma Rossing and then whatever.
Singing was done, prayer, verses and then Martin spoke. Everyone said afterward what a great job he did. I don't know. I was in and out so many times I can't even tell you what he said. I kept looking for Garrett. I kept trying to feel him around me. I couldn't find him.
Martin would stumble with emotions, recompose himself and plug on. One thing I do know is that he really came out of his comfort zone for that talk. At one point, someone came and took Jonathan out and I just wanted to hold him. He doesn't know me very well. And finally, the last song "Held" and the picture show.
I looked at the pictures, the smiles, everyone smiling. How could this little boy bringing such joy and happiness be taken from us? I already knew the song--a tear jerker which got everyone crying. And I find myself so conflicted on this.
Ok, so he was born with this rare disease. Do I want him to suffer--NO!! Do I want him to go? NO!! I don't want him to suffer and therefore, the unselfish thing to do is to say, go, God's angel is calling you. The selfish part says, stay with me. Then Garrett says, Grandma, I'm sick and I can't be healed here, they've tried. I've given my best, each and every day and at every request. I'm tired. Can I please go home?
Yes, my darling. Go. We will see each other at another time. I will miss you, I will cry and my heart will ache. But knowing that I had the chance to hold you, to kiss you, and to know you will sustain me. That and our Heavenly Father and his word.
I love you Garrett.
Grandma Rossing
Garrett was born November 12, 2009 with a rare condition called vein of Galen malformation. He didn't present with any problems on that day or the several days after birth. It wasn't until he went home on Saturday that our trial and ultimate journey started.
Vein of Galen malformation (www.veinofgalen.com) affects only 20-30 people in the US and approximately 400 worldwide. Wow!!! Most don't survive the early stages however there are many who are left with existing lives. There was one 25 year old man who started having problems, the vein problem was diagnosed and corrected. God bless him and his family for the years they had and will have with him.
We rode to the funeral with our daughter Michelle and husband Josh. It was a 2 hour ride and we had plenty of talk. I love my relationship with Michelle. We've gone full circle and come out the better. I hope she feels the same. Josh was a bit timid when he first came into the family but one night he broke out of it with a joke against another daughter and its been fun ever since.
We were caravaning with Carrie and Roger who were carrying Meg, Steve and Candice. We stopped to eat before going to the church. It was an awkward time of talk and chidding but I think people deal with grief in different ways just as I use to deal with nervousness in being with Michelle and Mindi in the early days.
We made it to the church a little past 1:00pm. There were tables dressed with tablecloths and crosses on them for seating and eating later. And then there was Garrett's table with pictures of him throughout this ordeal, a large 16x20 picture of him, a casting of his feet and little hands, a place for cards and a computer set up to filter through pictures of Garrett, family and friends. Next to the table stood Chris and Mindi waiting to greet everyone.
From afar, she looked amazing as she did up close. Not a blotch on that pretty face. Chris however was a different sight. I approached the table with caution because this was someone that I had great love, respect and admiration for and I wanted to afford him the proper respect.
I inspected the pictures of him, touching them in the hopes that I could feel his soft skin under my fingers, that maybe he would coo or sneeze. Nothing. I looked at pictures I hadn't seen. Smiled at the pictures holding him and seeing their smiles and the happiness this little boy brought them. I ran my fingers over the cast of his fingers and feet.
I dropped the sympathy card and Chris' birthday card down and prepared myself for IT. I hugged Chris and for the first time in 8 years I felt a good hug. I said I am so sorry. How can you convey your heart's feeling and emotion in those words. How can you tell someone how much you're hurting when this was their son? I started to cry and asked him to continue to hug me so I could regain my composure and Mindi wouldn't know I was tearing up.
I moved to Mindi. There she was. Smiling and waiting for me. She probably picked up her smile that morning while putting on make up for the days use. I hugged her. I felt a hug back. Wow! It felt good. I said I'm so sorry. If I could take this burden for you I would. I love you so much. I kept hugging her and hugging her as if the more I gave her the more likely this event would not be happening.
We were ushered into a room where prayer was said and we were lined up for procession into the sanctuary. Friends were on the right side and family on the left. Mindi, Chris and Jonathan plus Pam and husband, Kurt were seated and then Martin and I, Gerald and Ruth Klein (Chris' parents) and Great Grandma Rossing and then whatever.
Singing was done, prayer, verses and then Martin spoke. Everyone said afterward what a great job he did. I don't know. I was in and out so many times I can't even tell you what he said. I kept looking for Garrett. I kept trying to feel him around me. I couldn't find him.
Martin would stumble with emotions, recompose himself and plug on. One thing I do know is that he really came out of his comfort zone for that talk. At one point, someone came and took Jonathan out and I just wanted to hold him. He doesn't know me very well. And finally, the last song "Held" and the picture show.
I looked at the pictures, the smiles, everyone smiling. How could this little boy bringing such joy and happiness be taken from us? I already knew the song--a tear jerker which got everyone crying. And I find myself so conflicted on this.
Ok, so he was born with this rare disease. Do I want him to suffer--NO!! Do I want him to go? NO!! I don't want him to suffer and therefore, the unselfish thing to do is to say, go, God's angel is calling you. The selfish part says, stay with me. Then Garrett says, Grandma, I'm sick and I can't be healed here, they've tried. I've given my best, each and every day and at every request. I'm tired. Can I please go home?
Yes, my darling. Go. We will see each other at another time. I will miss you, I will cry and my heart will ache. But knowing that I had the chance to hold you, to kiss you, and to know you will sustain me. That and our Heavenly Father and his word.
I love you Garrett.
Grandma Rossing
Friday, December 18, 2009
Grandma's Boys
Garrett Michael Klein born November 12, 2009.Deceased December 11, 2009
Tucker James Bastyr born December 20, 2005
Bennett Roger Bastyr born
October 26, 2007
Jonathan Martin Klein born
May 15, 2008
I never thought about being a grandmother until I talked to other women at work who were grandmothers and how much they enjoyed it. I knew of one woman who actually retired so that she could care for her two grandchildren full time.
Since my oldest daughter was having trouble conceiving, it really didn't cross my mind whether I would like it or not. However, once Carrie announced that she was pregnant, my whole life changed and my stress level went through the roof!
Was I up to the challenge of being a grandmother? Would I be a good grandmother and the ultimate question: How much would I love this child?
As you can see, I have beautiful grandchildren. I'm not being conceited. It's just a fact. I can't help that I have beautiful girls who married handsome men and are now populating the world with beautiful little ones.
My grandchildren have impacted my life so much. You see, these children, these little bundles can be formed into anything with the right or the wrong guidance. Luckily here they are right now:
Tucker, now 4 is a lean bundle of energy. When I walk into his home, he sees me, his face lights up with the biggest smile, yells "Gammi" and comes a running. What better confirmation that you are loved than that! I love the way he kisses cuts on my hand, or the way he says no thank you in that cute little voice. He has his fathers dark brown eyes but his mothers petite figure.
Bennett, now 2, is a gentle, loving soul. His blue eyes can melt an ice cube. He sees me and comes running with his blanket knowing that Gammi will cuddle and love him. He does; however, have his mean streak and because of his weight advantage can push Tuck around and Tuck will give in, usually--until he has had enough.
Jonathan, now 18 months is a blonde hair, blue eyed inquisitive soul. He signs, knows colors and the names of most things a 4 year old knows. He loves his Mom and Dad and his extended aunts and uncles, neices and nephews. He was a big brother for 29 days and sadly will never know his brave, little brother.
Garrett now deceased was a beautiful 7 pound little boy. He came into the world at 7:44am on November 12, 2009. When you held him you could not but wonder the miracle of birth, of how such a beautiful little boy could touch your life and the love that goes oh so deep within seconds of holding and seeing this miracle.
These are my grandsons. I love being a grandmother. They keep me on my toes, they keep me active and they have allowed me the opportunity to be a better person, to love more deeply, and to not sweat the small stuff.
They brighten my day when I see their face light up. They make my heart heavy when I know they are sick. They allow me to take countless pictures of them until I realize they are only kids. I just don't want to miss a minute of their lives--life is too short.
They have touched my life in only a way that an innocent little one could and I pray that God would watch over them and keep them safe until we can be reunited again in heaven.
For my little warrior Garrett: I know that you are in his arms and looking down upon us. I know you wonder why we continue to cry for you when you no longer are in pain but totally restored. Please know that you showed me more about courage, strength, determination and willpower in your 29 days than I have ever seen before.
I love you all.
Grandma Rossing
Mitzee the Superdog
This is Mitzee. Born November 2, 2008 weighing in at 2 oz to a Yorkie dad and a Llasa Alpso mom.
When first discovered at 2 months of age, she was in a glassed-in container called "home" with her sister and two white bichons, all of whom she was playfully jumping all over.
We brought this little bundle home on January 18, 2009 and little did we know what she was going to do to our lives.
She spent the first hour snooping and investigating the family room while Martin and I tried different names on her. While doing this, I also picked up piddle and pooh. It was clear after a short amount of time that this little puppy had wieseled her way into our hearts.
We both wanted to hold her, coo her, have her close to us as if she were the miracle cure. At one point, I found myself becoming angry because I wanted my time with her too!! But it didn't take long for me to realize what it did for Martin and that's all I needed to see.
Eventually the cuteness lead way to training because after all, you can't have a disorderly dog now, can we? So no matter how cute she was and how small she was (4.5lbs) I had to pull out the tough love. So training started with the sit, come, stay.
Soon I started teaching her about the noise from the garage door. What's that Mitzee? Is that Daddy? She'd look at me with that quizical look on her face and go for the garage door. She'd position herself directly in front of the door with her nose to the floor listening for the car door to close and ultimately her master to walk through the door.
As the handle started to turn, she'd back away, tail wagging at the speed of light and then it came. He walked through the door and life was good again. She'd jump up waiting to be noticed. Martin of course saw her excitement and just loved it and responded accordingly by picking her up, craddling her and asking how her day was and how she was doing? (Do we really expect them to answer us?) Immediately, you could see the tension, stress and worries of the day melt away. What an amazing gift.
We started traveling with Mitzee when she was two months old. Yes, she captured the hearts of the security people and all around us. She was an amazing traveler.
This is Mitzee after having a dip in the pool. One of her favorite ways to travel is riding mostly outside the car with the wind blowing through her hair and pinning her ears back!
Here she's being tended to by her private nurse, Michelle after surgery on her eyes. Thank you Michelle.
Martin has indicated so many times that she's a good puppy, that he can't imagine our home without her, that she brings our home so much joy. But she brings so many other people joy also. Here she is with some of her friends.
This amazing little puppy has shown to be acrobatic, quizical, a tease, psycho at times, and has given us comfort, laughter, distress when she was ill, heavy hearts when she was absent from the home, and most of all unconditional love. Who wants more than to be accepted 100% of the time?
When we bought Mitzee, we really didn't have any expectations of what life would be like. We can only say that she has exceeded everything we thought owning a dog would be like and the experience has definitely been an exciting journey. Thank you Mitzee.
She's not one to flaunt what she has but you have to admit, she is pretty dog gone cute!! WE love you Mitzee, Merry Christmas and thank you for the blessing that you are. Sleep tight.
Love,
Mom and Dad
When first discovered at 2 months of age, she was in a glassed-in container called "home" with her sister and two white bichons, all of whom she was playfully jumping all over.
We brought this little bundle home on January 18, 2009 and little did we know what she was going to do to our lives.
She spent the first hour snooping and investigating the family room while Martin and I tried different names on her. While doing this, I also picked up piddle and pooh. It was clear after a short amount of time that this little puppy had wieseled her way into our hearts.
We both wanted to hold her, coo her, have her close to us as if she were the miracle cure. At one point, I found myself becoming angry because I wanted my time with her too!! But it didn't take long for me to realize what it did for Martin and that's all I needed to see.
Eventually the cuteness lead way to training because after all, you can't have a disorderly dog now, can we? So no matter how cute she was and how small she was (4.5lbs) I had to pull out the tough love. So training started with the sit, come, stay.
Soon I started teaching her about the noise from the garage door. What's that Mitzee? Is that Daddy? She'd look at me with that quizical look on her face and go for the garage door. She'd position herself directly in front of the door with her nose to the floor listening for the car door to close and ultimately her master to walk through the door.
As the handle started to turn, she'd back away, tail wagging at the speed of light and then it came. He walked through the door and life was good again. She'd jump up waiting to be noticed. Martin of course saw her excitement and just loved it and responded accordingly by picking her up, craddling her and asking how her day was and how she was doing? (Do we really expect them to answer us?) Immediately, you could see the tension, stress and worries of the day melt away. What an amazing gift.
We started traveling with Mitzee when she was two months old. Yes, she captured the hearts of the security people and all around us. She was an amazing traveler.
This is Mitzee after having a dip in the pool. One of her favorite ways to travel is riding mostly outside the car with the wind blowing through her hair and pinning her ears back!
Here she's being tended to by her private nurse, Michelle after surgery on her eyes. Thank you Michelle.
Martin has indicated so many times that she's a good puppy, that he can't imagine our home without her, that she brings our home so much joy. But she brings so many other people joy also. Here she is with some of her friends.
This amazing little puppy has shown to be acrobatic, quizical, a tease, psycho at times, and has given us comfort, laughter, distress when she was ill, heavy hearts when she was absent from the home, and most of all unconditional love. Who wants more than to be accepted 100% of the time?
When we bought Mitzee, we really didn't have any expectations of what life would be like. We can only say that she has exceeded everything we thought owning a dog would be like and the experience has definitely been an exciting journey. Thank you Mitzee.
She's not one to flaunt what she has but you have to admit, she is pretty dog gone cute!! WE love you Mitzee, Merry Christmas and thank you for the blessing that you are. Sleep tight.
Love,
Mom and Dad
Monday, December 14, 2009
My Little Warrior Garrett
Today is Monday and it seems I find myself in a funk. I'm not sure what to term it cause I can't describe it.
Today is now Tuesday and I've just come down the stairs and I'm staring at four little Christmas stockings bought for each one of my grandsons. Gma starts crying. One grandson is not with us. Today is going to be a difficult day.
Today is Wednesday and today's feeling is that of anger. Why did we have to go through 3 surgeries, countless tests, poking, lab work, MRIs, CT scans and more just to come up empty? Will tomorrow be better?
On Nov 12, 2009 Garrett Michael Klein came into the world weighing 7lbs at 7:44am. Grandpa and I drove to Wabasha to see him and the kids. What a beautiful family. Little Garrett was beautiful. This was to be his family: Dad (Chris), Mom (Mindi) and big brother (Jonathan).
Gpa held him first and after what seemed like hours, he looked at me and said "do you want to hold him?" Hello? Is that a rhetorical question? Of course. I've just bitten off my nails waiting.
I got him in my arms and just studied him, His little face, lifted his individual fingers, amazed at how small the little nail was.
Isn't it something to think that this little miracle was born out of love and how he comes into the world and someday he'll be running and playing in the yard and waving at Mom to "watch me, Mommy!"
As I held him, I listened to him whimper. Was he in pain or was he just dreaming. Mindi called it his talking. I just wanted to hold him close and kiss him. Being Gma, that's what I get to do. I love kissing my grandbabies.
They are such miracles from God. They look up at you and you just want to melt. You come into their house and they see that it's you and they light up and squeal, and coming a running.
He was born with a rare condition called vein of Galen malformation. I won't go into all the details but he did have three brain surgeries and was asked to perform at 100% every minute. This little warrior accepted that challenge and performed at 110%. Friday, December 11th was to be his third surgery and alas, my little warrior could not fight anymore and went home to be with the Lord.
As a grandmother, I can tell you that it only takes anticipation of that birth and the subsequent holding of that child to fall hopelessly in love with them. You can only imagine and pray for them as they grow. Will time dim how I feel about him? Not in the least bit. In fact, it will only grow. The fact that he survived each and every surgery and kept giving, allows me to have a pride in him and that in turn deepens my love for him.
I was given this poem years ago and I quote parts of it now:
When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today
While thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you
And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me too
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand
An Angel came and called my name and took me by the hand
And said my place was ready, in heaven far above
And that I'd have to leave behind, all those I dearly love.
But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home
God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne
He said, "this is eternity and all I've promised you".
Today for life on eart is past, but here it starts anew.
You will always be my little warrior, Garrett. I love you and am grateful I had the chance to hold you but ever for a short while. I pray that you will watch over us until we come to see you again. All my love Gma Rossing.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Pain and/or Loss
Pain can be classified in many different terms. Doctors say that pain is the hardest to treat. As a result, those with and in pain, sometimes never get the right diagnosis and end up suffering a very long time.
The pain that we feel when we lose something or someone is a pain that there is no pill for. There is no physical therapy, no injection at the site of the wound, nothing.
They say time heals all wounds. Yes it does. And depending on the person and the wound depends on the healing time.
When my grandson was born, Martin and I drove down to see him. I love being a grandmother. You can just love those little babies all day and all night long. Mindi doesn't like to let the name selection out early so we were eager to see what she named him.
Little Garrett came in to the world at 7lbs, 19.5" on November 12, 2009. He was beautiful. As I held him and touched his fingers and memorized his features, I just kept thinking what a gift God gave us in the abiity to reproduce.
Little did we know that little Garrett would have a tough time ahead of him. He was born with a vein of Galen malformation which is rare and dangerous. Mom (Mindi) and Dad (Chris) were strong through all the surgeries, tests, wires attached to his little body, blood being taken, x-rays, MRI's and more. They held it together as they watched doctors do what they do best seeing as they were at the best facility in Minnesota: The Mayo Clinic.
Little Garrett underwent not one, not two, but three surgeries to reduce the number of arteries that blood was flowing through and going down to his heart. Ultimately, this little warrior came through the surgery however, uncontrolled bleeding took him from us.
Many people live a lifetime proving who they are, trying to figure out who they should be, but this little grandson proved to be a strong child, a warrior fighting hard, tirelessly, giving his best when asked. You can't ask for more than that.
From Gma and Gpa Rossing: Little Garrett, thank you for the opportunity of holding you and just looking at you and memorizing who you were. In our hearts you will live on and you won't be forgotten. Your Christmas stocking is hanging for you. Someday, Gpa and I will see you again. We love you and for the time you were here, you made our lives better.
The pain that we feel when we lose something or someone is a pain that there is no pill for. There is no physical therapy, no injection at the site of the wound, nothing.
They say time heals all wounds. Yes it does. And depending on the person and the wound depends on the healing time.
When my grandson was born, Martin and I drove down to see him. I love being a grandmother. You can just love those little babies all day and all night long. Mindi doesn't like to let the name selection out early so we were eager to see what she named him.
Little Garrett came in to the world at 7lbs, 19.5" on November 12, 2009. He was beautiful. As I held him and touched his fingers and memorized his features, I just kept thinking what a gift God gave us in the abiity to reproduce.
Little did we know that little Garrett would have a tough time ahead of him. He was born with a vein of Galen malformation which is rare and dangerous. Mom (Mindi) and Dad (Chris) were strong through all the surgeries, tests, wires attached to his little body, blood being taken, x-rays, MRI's and more. They held it together as they watched doctors do what they do best seeing as they were at the best facility in Minnesota: The Mayo Clinic.
Little Garrett underwent not one, not two, but three surgeries to reduce the number of arteries that blood was flowing through and going down to his heart. Ultimately, this little warrior came through the surgery however, uncontrolled bleeding took him from us.
Many people live a lifetime proving who they are, trying to figure out who they should be, but this little grandson proved to be a strong child, a warrior fighting hard, tirelessly, giving his best when asked. You can't ask for more than that.
From Gma and Gpa Rossing: Little Garrett, thank you for the opportunity of holding you and just looking at you and memorizing who you were. In our hearts you will live on and you won't be forgotten. Your Christmas stocking is hanging for you. Someday, Gpa and I will see you again. We love you and for the time you were here, you made our lives better.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Update Your Picture
You know, you wake up one morning and you no longer have to go to the TV to turn the channel or ask your little brother to turn up the volume (which he never would do) because there's a remote to make our life easier. Then, there's my FAVORITE: you no longer have to use both hands to count--there's a calculator. These are small things but they made a big impact on our lives.
Suddenly, we were attached to our remotes, became couch potatoes, put on a few pounds, and even called dibbs on who would have the remote. The calculator saved us from racking our brains trying to add several numbers together, figuring out what 30% off an item would be and ultimately kept me from overspending when I went to the grocery store with only $25.00!!!! Wow! My life was elevated to what I thought was maximum performance.
In 1991 after my mother suffered yet another stroke, I went home to be with her for a few days. I saw her at the table adding about 6 figures together. As I watched her do it, I too started adding. I listened to her say 9 and 6 is 15 carry the one and so on. I immediately thought she should have a basic calculator to help her. I purchased one, gave it to her, and thought I was improving her life. Nope, she couldn't figure out how to use it. It remained in the box till the day she died.
I used to kid everyone and I mean everyone that she was too mean to die. Well, many strokes, conjestive heart failure, lympedema, and cancer (to name a few) took her home to be with her parents.
She pre-arranged the funeral part paying for the casket and limos. I called everyone and kept them on a string as the end drew near. The time came and the call for everyone to come was made. It was bittersweet.
You see, my relationship and that of my siblings was a love-hate one. Don't ask me why? Lord knows we all did our best to be the best child she could have. On one hand when you see your parent leaving you, you ultimately wish for more time. But that's the selfish part of us. The loving part would say it's your time, go home.
I did this. I talked to her even though she was in a coma. I talked to her and updated her on each and every child, grandchild, nephew, neice. And I finished up with this: I know your life has been tough, you raised 6 kids on your own all on an
8th grade education, your time has come and when you're ready go home, GO. We will be alright, well not immediately, but time will heal and we will hopefully see you again. She took me up on that at 5:30am the next morning.
My picture of my mother was not very pretty. Who would come to her funeral but her kids? We set up the visitation for 4:00pm to 8:00pm. The usual people showed up. The last and only sibling (her sister-my Aunt Jane), her children minus Elizabeth, and several grandkids.
We talked, shared, laughed and cried. The kids (my sister and brothers) arranged to meet at our favorite pizza joint at 8:15pm cause we knew things would be over even before the 8:00 cut off.
So around 7:30pm everyone headed to the pizza place to eat and I offered to stay and close up. I had some things I wanted to get off my chest. But then, some people wandered in. They were crying and I just couldn't figure out why. Are you in the right place? This is for Josephine. Yep, they were there to say goodbye to Josie, Jo, Gma Jo.
They started sharing stories of this woman that went from babysitting children, to feeding them, to wangling auto service for a cheaper price to acts of kindness that just blew my picture to pieces. Like the bible says, acts of kindness done in secret are the ones to be rewarded. I did not know this woman I called Mom.
When we buried Mom the next morning, it was raining. Have you ever carried a casket in the rain in 3" heels??? Not easy to do. We arrived at the cemetary and we waited for the hearse to come. Just as the hearse pulled up, the rain stopped and the sun came out. Do you see an intervention here? I did. It told me everything was going to be alright.
Morale(s) of this story and/or life: 1. If your mother is a good person, a good role model, shows kindness and acceptance, why wouldn't you want to be like her? 2. If you have dislike for someone, look inward and find out why. Ask yourself to be honest and leave pride and ego out of it. 3. If you only remember them for who they were two years, 6 months, or even a week ago, you need to update your picture--its out of date!! They could have had a revelation and totally changed on you overnight!
4. Probably the most important. DO NOT JUDGE!! In retrospect, I judged. I judged my mom continually. Matthew 7:1 says do not judge. Matthew 7:3 says why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye when you have a plank in your own. How can I rebound from all the years of judging her? Doing what she had to in order to survive, to raise 6 kids on her own, to make it into Jesus' arms. I know when I started this blog today I wasn't ashamed; however, I'm feeling very ashamed of my actions. I can only take solace in the fact that prior to her dying, I wrote her a letter telling her I was sorry for all my wrong doings. It helps but not 100%. And dispite my actions, she still LOVED me. Wow...Now that's a gift.
Suddenly, we were attached to our remotes, became couch potatoes, put on a few pounds, and even called dibbs on who would have the remote. The calculator saved us from racking our brains trying to add several numbers together, figuring out what 30% off an item would be and ultimately kept me from overspending when I went to the grocery store with only $25.00!!!! Wow! My life was elevated to what I thought was maximum performance.
In 1991 after my mother suffered yet another stroke, I went home to be with her for a few days. I saw her at the table adding about 6 figures together. As I watched her do it, I too started adding. I listened to her say 9 and 6 is 15 carry the one and so on. I immediately thought she should have a basic calculator to help her. I purchased one, gave it to her, and thought I was improving her life. Nope, she couldn't figure out how to use it. It remained in the box till the day she died.
I used to kid everyone and I mean everyone that she was too mean to die. Well, many strokes, conjestive heart failure, lympedema, and cancer (to name a few) took her home to be with her parents.
She pre-arranged the funeral part paying for the casket and limos. I called everyone and kept them on a string as the end drew near. The time came and the call for everyone to come was made. It was bittersweet.
You see, my relationship and that of my siblings was a love-hate one. Don't ask me why? Lord knows we all did our best to be the best child she could have. On one hand when you see your parent leaving you, you ultimately wish for more time. But that's the selfish part of us. The loving part would say it's your time, go home.
I did this. I talked to her even though she was in a coma. I talked to her and updated her on each and every child, grandchild, nephew, neice. And I finished up with this: I know your life has been tough, you raised 6 kids on your own all on an
8th grade education, your time has come and when you're ready go home, GO. We will be alright, well not immediately, but time will heal and we will hopefully see you again. She took me up on that at 5:30am the next morning.
My picture of my mother was not very pretty. Who would come to her funeral but her kids? We set up the visitation for 4:00pm to 8:00pm. The usual people showed up. The last and only sibling (her sister-my Aunt Jane), her children minus Elizabeth, and several grandkids.
We talked, shared, laughed and cried. The kids (my sister and brothers) arranged to meet at our favorite pizza joint at 8:15pm cause we knew things would be over even before the 8:00 cut off.
So around 7:30pm everyone headed to the pizza place to eat and I offered to stay and close up. I had some things I wanted to get off my chest. But then, some people wandered in. They were crying and I just couldn't figure out why. Are you in the right place? This is for Josephine. Yep, they were there to say goodbye to Josie, Jo, Gma Jo.
They started sharing stories of this woman that went from babysitting children, to feeding them, to wangling auto service for a cheaper price to acts of kindness that just blew my picture to pieces. Like the bible says, acts of kindness done in secret are the ones to be rewarded. I did not know this woman I called Mom.
When we buried Mom the next morning, it was raining. Have you ever carried a casket in the rain in 3" heels??? Not easy to do. We arrived at the cemetary and we waited for the hearse to come. Just as the hearse pulled up, the rain stopped and the sun came out. Do you see an intervention here? I did. It told me everything was going to be alright.
Morale(s) of this story and/or life: 1. If your mother is a good person, a good role model, shows kindness and acceptance, why wouldn't you want to be like her? 2. If you have dislike for someone, look inward and find out why. Ask yourself to be honest and leave pride and ego out of it. 3. If you only remember them for who they were two years, 6 months, or even a week ago, you need to update your picture--its out of date!! They could have had a revelation and totally changed on you overnight!
4. Probably the most important. DO NOT JUDGE!! In retrospect, I judged. I judged my mom continually. Matthew 7:1 says do not judge. Matthew 7:3 says why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye when you have a plank in your own. How can I rebound from all the years of judging her? Doing what she had to in order to survive, to raise 6 kids on her own, to make it into Jesus' arms. I know when I started this blog today I wasn't ashamed; however, I'm feeling very ashamed of my actions. I can only take solace in the fact that prior to her dying, I wrote her a letter telling her I was sorry for all my wrong doings. It helps but not 100%. And dispite my actions, she still LOVED me. Wow...Now that's a gift.
Are You a Control Freak?
Today I had to take a return to JC Penney. There were two women in front of me. The woman directly in front of me was talking on her cell phone. The first woman was called to the counter and the woman in front of me did nothing to move up.
So I immediately start to think of how controlling we all are. How we try to manipulate situations, relationships, outings, anything really to our satisfaction.
I wonder what she was thinking as she stood there and didn't move up. I know I started to wonder if she was a control freak. You know, the line will move only when I'm ready to move up. Or the person who drives in the left lane going the speed limit while there are ten other cars driving behind him or going around them and speeding a bit. We are all controlling to some extent and at some point in time.
Back in the day, one of my favorite sayings was "who died and made you boss?" Well, what this says is that it is not your responsibility or mine to ensure that everyone does what is right. I know I don't have the time or the energy to do so.
If each of us were truly responsible for ourselves and not worrying about everyone else, I think we'd live longer and have happier lives. I've come to learn this lesson and I can tell you that I have trouble keeping up with me and making sure I'm doing the right thing never mind, muddy the water with a bunch of other people.
After all, at some point in time we all need to be accountable right? Right!!!
So I immediately start to think of how controlling we all are. How we try to manipulate situations, relationships, outings, anything really to our satisfaction.
I wonder what she was thinking as she stood there and didn't move up. I know I started to wonder if she was a control freak. You know, the line will move only when I'm ready to move up. Or the person who drives in the left lane going the speed limit while there are ten other cars driving behind him or going around them and speeding a bit. We are all controlling to some extent and at some point in time.
Back in the day, one of my favorite sayings was "who died and made you boss?" Well, what this says is that it is not your responsibility or mine to ensure that everyone does what is right. I know I don't have the time or the energy to do so.
If each of us were truly responsible for ourselves and not worrying about everyone else, I think we'd live longer and have happier lives. I've come to learn this lesson and I can tell you that I have trouble keeping up with me and making sure I'm doing the right thing never mind, muddy the water with a bunch of other people.
After all, at some point in time we all need to be accountable right? Right!!!
For the Love of............
They say that when you marry, you marry everyone. This includes kids, mother-in-law, ex-spouses, etc. I was fortunate this time around, in that, I inherited a great mother-in-law. She has been a teacher, mentor and a mom (in the absence of my own mom).
So this morning, Wednesday, when Martin loomed over me to say goodbye (he was leaving town again for business) and asked if I wanted to do coffee with him I quickly said yes. Even though I didn't get to bed until 1:20am and it was 6:30am, I said yes.
Why? Well, because he's very important to me. Because I love him. Because I want him to know that he is a priority in my life. Because I want him to know he is loved. Isn't that one of the primary goals in being married to ensure the spouse knows and feels loved thereby fostering confidence?
Sure, I could have said no, have a safe flight (which I always do anyways) and talk to you this evening. What message would that have sent? Isn't a true sign of loving someone, that you put them first? I think--no, I know it is. And when you do that the rewards that come back to you are ten fold.
Look at this picture. See the big grin on his face? You can't look at a picture of the two of us without seeing that big grin. What does this tell you? That I'm doing something right. That he does feel loved by me and that I'm going down the right path.
I was told by my mother-in-law years ago, that her sister Dorothy told her one time that Martin was truly happy. How do you know that she asked. If you look at the pictures taken of him and Barb he's smiling in all of them. Smiling with his whole heart.
That was a big compliment and one I will accept.
When Martin and I went to Chicago for business, we took a walk down to the wharf. We were sitting there on a bench and a couple approached us and asked if we were honeymooners. We laughed and said no, we've been married 4 years but it still feels that way.
On another occasion, we were in Caribou (back in the day) and one of the workers there said if she could have a marriage like ours, she would feel blessed.
I am truly blessed to be walking beside this man. He is intense, analytical to the heavens, frustrating more than I'd like (so am I), but he's mine and I love him. And I know he loves me because: every night he comes home, every day he tells me he loves me, and because he usually puts me and my wants/desires first.
They say the third time is the charm. I'm not boasting about the number of times I've been married. But honestly, if I hadn't taken the path I did, I wouldn't have what I have. A man that loves me, a dog that loves me unconditionally, and a tribe of daughters that make me proud.
Thank you God
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Will Someone Tell Me Why??????
Winter has finally come to Minnesota. We are in the midst of our first true snow storm.
If you listen to the radio or television, you will hear of this car accident here, and another one there. What I don't understand is this--if you've been living in Minnesota for any amount of time, then you realize that come November, December-ish, we're going to get snow. And if you're of driving age, then you've driven in the snow more than once. So WHY haven't you learned to drive correctly in the snow???
I just don't understand why there are so many accidents EVERY year with the first snow storm. Nothing has changed except that you have gotten older and supposedly wiser, yet, with the first snow storm there are countless accidents.
Last year with the first snow storm there were over 200 accidents. I'm beginning to think that people drive the same way and expect a different outcome.
It baffles me. That's all I have to say about that.
If you listen to the radio or television, you will hear of this car accident here, and another one there. What I don't understand is this--if you've been living in Minnesota for any amount of time, then you realize that come November, December-ish, we're going to get snow. And if you're of driving age, then you've driven in the snow more than once. So WHY haven't you learned to drive correctly in the snow???
I just don't understand why there are so many accidents EVERY year with the first snow storm. Nothing has changed except that you have gotten older and supposedly wiser, yet, with the first snow storm there are countless accidents.
Last year with the first snow storm there were over 200 accidents. I'm beginning to think that people drive the same way and expect a different outcome.
It baffles me. That's all I have to say about that.
I'm Ashamed of Myself
Today was a quirky day. I woke up at 8:55am and after getting my glasses on I realized that there is NO WAY I would make my 9:00am physical therapy appointment. So I called and rescheduled it.
After breakfast, going through some emails, I finally received a burst of energy and started cleaning. However, this lead to an unexplained pain in my left side. So, since I was in pain, I decided to check my emails.
I had been tracking a pack and play in New Brighton and hadn't heard from her. I sent yet another email asking when I could come and see it. When I got her email indicating that it was sold yesterday morning, I was a little annoyed.
This is where the shameful part comes in. I sent her an email indicating that I had been in touch with her and was just waiting for her to tell me when I could come and see it. Cause I pretty much knew I wanted it. All of a sudden, I got on my high horse and said, you know I should have had first dibs if I had been the first to respond to her about it. I told her I should write something about this experience so other people know when and if she sells something again.
When I sell things, I keep track of who came first, giving them priority over others. She did not. Therefore, I am right in feeling the way I do.
I received an email from her indicating that her brother just died and she was selling everything and moving to be with her family. Boy did I feel like a schmuck.
I always try to be pleasant even in the midst of nasty people because you don't know what that nasty person is going through and here I am quibbling over a pack and play. What does that say about me and the person I am?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
After breakfast, going through some emails, I finally received a burst of energy and started cleaning. However, this lead to an unexplained pain in my left side. So, since I was in pain, I decided to check my emails.
I had been tracking a pack and play in New Brighton and hadn't heard from her. I sent yet another email asking when I could come and see it. When I got her email indicating that it was sold yesterday morning, I was a little annoyed.
This is where the shameful part comes in. I sent her an email indicating that I had been in touch with her and was just waiting for her to tell me when I could come and see it. Cause I pretty much knew I wanted it. All of a sudden, I got on my high horse and said, you know I should have had first dibs if I had been the first to respond to her about it. I told her I should write something about this experience so other people know when and if she sells something again.
When I sell things, I keep track of who came first, giving them priority over others. She did not. Therefore, I am right in feeling the way I do.
I received an email from her indicating that her brother just died and she was selling everything and moving to be with her family. Boy did I feel like a schmuck.
I always try to be pleasant even in the midst of nasty people because you don't know what that nasty person is going through and here I am quibbling over a pack and play. What does that say about me and the person I am?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Friday, December 4, 2009
Regret
Growing up as a child, you don't take the time to ask yourself "will this comment or action come back to haunt me?" Nope. We go right on being sassy, talking back, misbehaving, not doing what we were told, etc.
So this week (Dec 2 to be exact) marks the 10th anniversary of my mother's death. I am sad that she is no longer here but elated that she is with her parents and brothers and sisters in heaven.
As I look back upon my relationship with her, I know I did and said things that hurt her. For this I take full responsibility and ask God and my mother to forgive me. I also ask God to help ME forgive myself!!
Regret is such an ugly thing and it lives with you forever--basically until death do you part. Unless, of course, you can get counseling and see your way through it.
But here's the tough part. Trying to share this lesson with the kids. You can tell them over and over to do right, obey your parents, take care of them, let them know they are loved, keep them close, and don't let the sun go down on you being mad. Do they listen? Some do and most don't. They know it all. I would ask--if they know it all, how come we still have homeless people, the national debt is huge and there isn't world peace????????
When Mom died, my siblings were there minus one. Elizabeth chose not to come. This is something that she will have to live with and come to terms with. Does she have any regrets as it deals with Mom? I'm sure she does.
Do you have any regrets? If you do, please make them right... Once that person is gone, there's no more opportunity to make it right and you will carry that weight around with you. I know. For years after her death, I would beat myself up for one incident that happened when I was 16. I will always remember this and will always feel the hurt Mom must have felt. I can only say I'm sorry and try to forgive myself.
You know that saying (Mom's always right). Mom's are usually 98% right about things and the other 2% wrong is only because we didn't have all the information to make a right decision. So, moral of the story is: take care of your relationships. Do right by them and let people know they are loved by you.
Mom, I dedicate this to you. Thank you for raising me like you did, for the sacrifices you made for us, and I hope to see you walking the streets of gold when my time comes.
Love, Barb
So this week (Dec 2 to be exact) marks the 10th anniversary of my mother's death. I am sad that she is no longer here but elated that she is with her parents and brothers and sisters in heaven.
As I look back upon my relationship with her, I know I did and said things that hurt her. For this I take full responsibility and ask God and my mother to forgive me. I also ask God to help ME forgive myself!!
Regret is such an ugly thing and it lives with you forever--basically until death do you part. Unless, of course, you can get counseling and see your way through it.
But here's the tough part. Trying to share this lesson with the kids. You can tell them over and over to do right, obey your parents, take care of them, let them know they are loved, keep them close, and don't let the sun go down on you being mad. Do they listen? Some do and most don't. They know it all. I would ask--if they know it all, how come we still have homeless people, the national debt is huge and there isn't world peace????????
When Mom died, my siblings were there minus one. Elizabeth chose not to come. This is something that she will have to live with and come to terms with. Does she have any regrets as it deals with Mom? I'm sure she does.
Do you have any regrets? If you do, please make them right... Once that person is gone, there's no more opportunity to make it right and you will carry that weight around with you. I know. For years after her death, I would beat myself up for one incident that happened when I was 16. I will always remember this and will always feel the hurt Mom must have felt. I can only say I'm sorry and try to forgive myself.
You know that saying (Mom's always right). Mom's are usually 98% right about things and the other 2% wrong is only because we didn't have all the information to make a right decision. So, moral of the story is: take care of your relationships. Do right by them and let people know they are loved by you.
Mom, I dedicate this to you. Thank you for raising me like you did, for the sacrifices you made for us, and I hope to see you walking the streets of gold when my time comes.
Love, Barb
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Sleep Is Wonderful
When I married my husband, I noticed that when going to bed it took him 7 minutes to fall asleep. How do I know this? I timed him! I would lay next to him wondering how does he do it? Then I started feeling envious of him....listening to the different breathing patterns he had, the snort every once in a while and then the freight train coming through. How did he do it? Why can't I do it? I asked him once, he said, "watch and learn."
So I'd lay there talking to myself, I can do this. Deep breaths, shake it off, relax....clear the mind...think of your happy place. I would sing to myself, I would try to get into sync with my husband's breathing, I would try to lull myself to sleep by listening to the sounds of his snoring....all to no avail. I would finally throw in the towel and get up.
My two stepdaughters, Michelle and Mindi were the same way as is my mother in law. They could sleep anywhere. We'd go out to eat and they'd be sleeping with their heads cocked against the car. It truly baffled me.
Last night was a tough night as has been the last week with the moisture, cold and winds. It flares up everything in my body and reaks havoc on my ability to get to sleep.
You see, I suffer from a few diseases that lend themself to chronic pains. I've been dealing with pain since 1991 when the chest pains came, then the acid reflux, arthritis took over my hands in 2000, and the list goes on and on. It's quite depressing and yet small to what others are carrying.
The house is under seige with workmen as we are doing some remodeling. One morning I heard the knocker and there stood Larry and Marty. The first thing out of Larry's mouth was "did we wake you up? It's 8:30am you know". Please note that at this point I'm pretty sure a judgement was made about me. Now I knew the time BUT do they know that I didn't get to bed till 4:00am? Do you know that I usually don't get to bed before 2:00am? As a result of the tone, I felt compelled to justify why I am sleeping at 8:30am in the morning.
Last night was a very bad one. The new pills given to me for my excrutiating pain that sent me to ER on Sunday were supposed to make me sleepy (yeah) taken in conjunction with the pain meds for my lumbar that is shot...... So I was excited on Sunday night to pop that little pill as I could taste the night of sleep ahead. Alas, my body did not want to cooperate.
Monday night was even worse. Larry and Marty would really be raising an eyebrow if they knew I slept till 10:00am this morning. But then, I didn't get to bed until 4:00am. But the sleep felt so good and I woke up feeling rested and ready to attack anything.
It's amazing how refreshed and ready for anything you feel after getting the proper amount of sleep.
Please pass the coffee and rolls.
So I'd lay there talking to myself, I can do this. Deep breaths, shake it off, relax....clear the mind...think of your happy place. I would sing to myself, I would try to get into sync with my husband's breathing, I would try to lull myself to sleep by listening to the sounds of his snoring....all to no avail. I would finally throw in the towel and get up.
My two stepdaughters, Michelle and Mindi were the same way as is my mother in law. They could sleep anywhere. We'd go out to eat and they'd be sleeping with their heads cocked against the car. It truly baffled me.
Last night was a tough night as has been the last week with the moisture, cold and winds. It flares up everything in my body and reaks havoc on my ability to get to sleep.
You see, I suffer from a few diseases that lend themself to chronic pains. I've been dealing with pain since 1991 when the chest pains came, then the acid reflux, arthritis took over my hands in 2000, and the list goes on and on. It's quite depressing and yet small to what others are carrying.
The house is under seige with workmen as we are doing some remodeling. One morning I heard the knocker and there stood Larry and Marty. The first thing out of Larry's mouth was "did we wake you up? It's 8:30am you know". Please note that at this point I'm pretty sure a judgement was made about me. Now I knew the time BUT do they know that I didn't get to bed till 4:00am? Do you know that I usually don't get to bed before 2:00am? As a result of the tone, I felt compelled to justify why I am sleeping at 8:30am in the morning.
Last night was a very bad one. The new pills given to me for my excrutiating pain that sent me to ER on Sunday were supposed to make me sleepy (yeah) taken in conjunction with the pain meds for my lumbar that is shot...... So I was excited on Sunday night to pop that little pill as I could taste the night of sleep ahead. Alas, my body did not want to cooperate.
Monday night was even worse. Larry and Marty would really be raising an eyebrow if they knew I slept till 10:00am this morning. But then, I didn't get to bed until 4:00am. But the sleep felt so good and I woke up feeling rested and ready to attack anything.
It's amazing how refreshed and ready for anything you feel after getting the proper amount of sleep.
Please pass the coffee and rolls.
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