When Our Children Turn Into Their Parents

I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone say "I don't want to turn into my parents."  I've seen it on t-shirts and on bumper stickers.  But I'm here to tell you, it's going to happen and you won't even realize it.

As a parent we are there to love, nourish, support, encourage, direct, discipline and sometimes fight wars/battles.  You see your child wronged and immediately you want to jump in there and fight for them and in the end, make it right for them so that they won't feel bad.  Ergo, my job is done, it's secure, life is good. But there are some times, when our children are in tough situations, that we as parents need to sit back and watch and see how they handle it, thereby growing them.

So here's the story.  My friend, Mo, divorced her husband.  He's an alcholic, disappears for long periods of time (sometimes years) and cheats on Mo.  In a fight they had years ago, he told her to just divorce him.  He walked out and after 3 years, she finally came to the realization that she needed to do this.  She is also battling cancer, mersa, her kidneys are not working to their full capacity and more.

This was a tough decision for Mo and 3 weeks ago she came to the dog park down in the dumps.  She had gone to court, everything was done--she was a mess. 

She has a son that lives here in Florida and in the same development as she does.  She was confiding in him and he told her to "get over it."  "He's a loser."   A fight between mom and son ensued and she told him not to talk that way, he had no right to talk that way, and more.

In effect, he was trying to make things right and ease her pain, thereby becoming the parent.   But what he didn't realize was that he hadn't seen enough life to properly handle the situation.  He had no idea what Mo and Tim had gone through, the love shared, the memories and the pain.  He didn't have the wisdom to know that this wasn't a battle to be won, but a wounded soldier to be carried.  

As we as parents grow older, our children start to take on the parental role.  It's a fact of life.  we get older, can't do as much, life is progressing by us, we can't keep up, scam artists are just waiting to get us, etc.  So it's the children to the rescue, because they now know best.....but do they really?

With Mo, all she wanted from her son was for him to listen, maybe to hold her, maybe just to tell her he loved her and that it would be alright.    And I know exactly what he did because I know I did it to my mother when she was alive.

What we need to make sure of is that as our parents grow older, we are alert to what they need from us and give it to them.  We need to ensure that we treat them with dignity and respect.  They are our parents and elders.  In the old days, we were taught to respect our elders.  I'm not sure that's being taught anymore.

Our children have no right to tell us how to live our lives (unless it is going to cause some form of distress)  how and what to feel.  After all, we came through a lot of stuff long before they came along and we came through even more afterwards.  We've got the battle scars and learned the lessons sometimes the hard way.

So, kids, please know that we love you.  By actions, hopefully, we know that you love us.  So as we get older, continue to love us, ask us if we need help of any kind.  See if there's anything you can do for us.  There will be times when we will have to ask for help.  We would like to be able to ask our children without feeling like we are putting them out.  We will not understand everything as the world continually changes and progresses as it leaves us behind.  At that time, speak to us in a loving and respectful manner so that we don't feel like an 80-year old idiot or that we are breaking your arm to help us.  Don't be part of the problem, be part of the solution.

Thank you.