Tonight at church, the pastor shared with us about a young woman who has twice now (the second being last week), tried to take her life. We prayed for her as a church and I started to weep and recall all the people I had lost to that ugly deed.
My next door neighbor took her life leaving behind two small children. A young and talented Air Force man with a wife and two children also took his life. There are more. At the beginning on my menopause, I too suffered with these dark thoughts because I knew if I could just make it all go away it would be alright.
I would crawl into bed armed with my drugs and cry. I just wanted to be normal, to be right, sane. I didn't want to have to imprison myself in the house because I didn't know if I was going to be a good or a bad person in public.
I started thinking about the whole process. Why is it that we don't see the signs? Is it because we're out of touch with that person, they hide it well from others? I know how that woman felt. At the end of her rope, no other choice, helpless and hopeless and no one able to help--you're all alone and it's up to you. The pain she and those in that situation are faced with is unimaginable. You are the answer or so we think. Couple of pills and it'll be quick and easy. We think, maybe, those who know what I'm going through will understand. Will they?
I can only hope that this woman has the family that I did that helped me through my difficult time. My daughter, Carrie, left work to come and be with me at home until my husband came home. Meg would come home and she'd ask how I was and instantly be able to read me and know what I needed. Candice would always give me that beautiful smile that warmed my heart and told me she had a beautiful heart. My husband went through total hell with me and my menopause and he stood by me day after day, trying to love this impossible woman, this woman who would push him away and say and do ugly things. It truly was a fire of enormous size.
As I think about this woman, myself, and others that have passed in my life, I know that if I had not had the relationship with those I love and helped me I probably would not be here today. Please remember to take stock of your relationships and treasure them.
Those of us, and I say that because as my mother knows I too struggled with the Devils call to take my life...not too long ago either....I believe it was February 17-Summer 2010....Anywho....I think a lot of us that think that are ones that portray that everything is perfect. We put that smile on when we go out to work or shopping. We still hold door, we still talk to strangers, we only sink into the bed when we get home and we are alone to wither in our misery. So it is really easy to miss signs unless you are somebody VERY close to the situation and you know what is going on in that persons world. When I look at my wrists I am still reminded of the night it did not work. I know that God was there with me, he kept me alive because he KNEW things were going to get better in one way or another. He knew I had more to do. He has more FOR ME TO DO. Maybe the people that are successful in their feats or do not pull themselves out, maybe there is nothing left for them to do. Maybe its their time? I am not sure that is true, but you wonder why some suceed and some of us don't?
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