Stupid, Stupid, STUPID

I'm reading Leviticus 4 and 5 where it's talking about sin offerings and as I read and think about the offerings made because of intentional and unintentional sin, I can't help but thank God that I did not live back then.

As I read, I am overwhelemed by my childhood and the sins I committed.  I am trying to recall as many as I can and when I get so overwhelmed, I shut down and had to write.

I know I did so many bad things growing up.  Oh yeah, you could say, well, you were just a kid, you were the product of your environment, you were from a single-parent family, your mom was never around, but all those are just excuses and just don't seem to cut it.

If I was taught right from wrong, why did I do all those things?  I can't undo them.  I can't make any of them right.  I have asked God for forgiveness but they don't seem to go away.  I know I need to ask God to help me forgive MYSELF!

As a child, Dad was never around, he was an 18-wheel trucker going from state and to state and Mom worked to pay the bills.  Eventually Dad left when I was 6.  Then Mom was never around and it was up to the four remaining kids to raise ourselves and each other.

The older two were into their own friends and thus never around except at night to go to bed.  So it was Danny and I.  Not too many friends in the neighborhood as there were alot of boys.  However, one day we were out of school and we'd seen others smoking and thought wouldn't that be cool.  Butch was a smoker.  So I took some of his cigarettes. 

There was a field behind the house and the neighbor boy, Mike and I headed up there where we could be big and smoke.  We lit up and started coughing and one thing led to another and one of the cigarettes fell and started the brush on fire.  So here are two 8-year olds trying to douse the fire with our feet and anything else we could find before it was more than we could handle and had to flee. 

The fire engines came, put out the fire and attributed it to kids smoking.  Wise, very wise.

No, we never confessed to it.  I am now.  Luckily no serious damage was done. 

As I think back to all the sins I committed, I am amazed that God even stayed with me.  He must have looked down and shook his head at me, wondering, "where did I go wrong?"  I can't tell you how the sins of my childhood afftect me.  From saying nasty things to my mom, to lying, stealing, and more.

Depending on the offering, you would bring a perfect goat, or ram, or bull and I'm not sure there is one perfect enough for me to sacrifice for all the evil I did as a child.  I am ashamed and embarrassed for all I did. 

I am grateful that God saw fit to stay with me even at a distance, waiting and watching and even protecting me from myself and my choices.  He waited for me to realize that I needed to change.  Why did it take me so long?  Probably because we think we're so big and therefore in control.  Yeah, right!

Like an addict or alcholic that needs to hit bottom, we must hit bottom and then start the recovery process up. 

I know that we say, our children will never be like that.  Oh yes they will.  There will be times when they will step out and test the water.  Some more than others.  We all go through the stupid phase, some longer than others. 

All I can hope is that Jesus is on your side, in your heart and has hold of your hand.  As a parent, I know that's ONE of the ONLY things that will get you through.

Please forgive me for my past sins and allow me to finally forgive myself.

Your humble servant, Barbara.