Moving On?

Yesterday, Mitzee and I were at the dog park. I was enjoying the warmth and friendship of Robin and Mom, Sheila.  Mitzee was a little put out because her playmate, Scout, was ignoring her.  She put on a good face though.

Eventually, a woman came in with a baby in her arms.  Of course, I had to go and see.  He was 12 weeks old.  When I asked his name, she said Bennett.  Oh my goodness, I have a grandson named Bennett.

As I am with my grandbabies, I wanted desperately to hold him.  It was going through my head over and over and I was afraid to ask.  Not like me I know.  I just thought a little hold would be nice and even though its only been 71 days since Garrett's passing, it really seems like so much more.  Why is that?

Is it because he only belonged to us for such a short time?  Is it because even though he was here, he was really in the possession of drs and nurses charged with overseeing his care.  Did they love him and gently touch him as we would?  I hope so.

I'm reading in the new testament about the crucifixation of Christ.  As I read what they did to him and the pain he suffered, my thoughts go back to Garrett.  What kind of pain were you in sweetie?  I'm so sorry.  There is no way I would allow that to happen to you, and I hope you know that.  I take solice in knowing that you were LOVED by one and all as the gift you were.

Great Grandma Rossing says that when our purpose here on earth is done, we go home to be with the Lord.  There is great comfort in knowing that you are at peace, out of pain, and with Jesus Christ.  Thank you for coming and staying the 29 days.  I love you.

So each day we put one foot in front of the other making our way through the grieving process doing ok most days.  It's just when something reminds us of someone we lost that we digress.  But it's ok.  Memories are what help us to heal.  I KNOW eventually, there will always be a smile when thinking of Garrett. 

And so, we keep moving on..............

Stupid, Stupid, STUPID

I'm reading Leviticus 4 and 5 where it's talking about sin offerings and as I read and think about the offerings made because of intentional and unintentional sin, I can't help but thank God that I did not live back then.

As I read, I am overwhelemed by my childhood and the sins I committed.  I am trying to recall as many as I can and when I get so overwhelmed, I shut down and had to write.

I know I did so many bad things growing up.  Oh yeah, you could say, well, you were just a kid, you were the product of your environment, you were from a single-parent family, your mom was never around, but all those are just excuses and just don't seem to cut it.

If I was taught right from wrong, why did I do all those things?  I can't undo them.  I can't make any of them right.  I have asked God for forgiveness but they don't seem to go away.  I know I need to ask God to help me forgive MYSELF!

As a child, Dad was never around, he was an 18-wheel trucker going from state and to state and Mom worked to pay the bills.  Eventually Dad left when I was 6.  Then Mom was never around and it was up to the four remaining kids to raise ourselves and each other.

The older two were into their own friends and thus never around except at night to go to bed.  So it was Danny and I.  Not too many friends in the neighborhood as there were alot of boys.  However, one day we were out of school and we'd seen others smoking and thought wouldn't that be cool.  Butch was a smoker.  So I took some of his cigarettes. 

There was a field behind the house and the neighbor boy, Mike and I headed up there where we could be big and smoke.  We lit up and started coughing and one thing led to another and one of the cigarettes fell and started the brush on fire.  So here are two 8-year olds trying to douse the fire with our feet and anything else we could find before it was more than we could handle and had to flee. 

The fire engines came, put out the fire and attributed it to kids smoking.  Wise, very wise.

No, we never confessed to it.  I am now.  Luckily no serious damage was done. 

As I think back to all the sins I committed, I am amazed that God even stayed with me.  He must have looked down and shook his head at me, wondering, "where did I go wrong?"  I can't tell you how the sins of my childhood afftect me.  From saying nasty things to my mom, to lying, stealing, and more.

Depending on the offering, you would bring a perfect goat, or ram, or bull and I'm not sure there is one perfect enough for me to sacrifice for all the evil I did as a child.  I am ashamed and embarrassed for all I did. 

I am grateful that God saw fit to stay with me even at a distance, waiting and watching and even protecting me from myself and my choices.  He waited for me to realize that I needed to change.  Why did it take me so long?  Probably because we think we're so big and therefore in control.  Yeah, right!

Like an addict or alcholic that needs to hit bottom, we must hit bottom and then start the recovery process up. 

I know that we say, our children will never be like that.  Oh yes they will.  There will be times when they will step out and test the water.  Some more than others.  We all go through the stupid phase, some longer than others. 

All I can hope is that Jesus is on your side, in your heart and has hold of your hand.  As a parent, I know that's ONE of the ONLY things that will get you through.

Please forgive me for my past sins and allow me to finally forgive myself.

Your humble servant, Barbara.

Wonders in our Midst

It's amazing to me that we can go through life not seeing what is in our midst.  Is it because we're so focused on ourselves that we don't feel the need to take in what is around us?

Jesus was preaching in Capernaum and four men carrying a paralytic man who couldn't get through the crowds, carried this man on a stretcher up the side stairs to the roof, broke through the roof and lowered the man down so that Jesus would heal him.

Right there in the midst of this huge crowd a wonder, a miracle was performed.  What wonders are in your midst, either at work, in your family, in your yard or your neighborhood that you aren't realizing?

We get so focused on ourselves and our own agenda, we don't see everything.  We get so comfortable with the same friends and family that we can't go outside that comfort zone possibly seeing the wonder of someone else.

My husband, Martin, WAS like that.  Through 13 years of training, he's learned the lesson.  He came home from his last business trip and said "guess what I did?"  Have no idea, I said.  I talked to the lady next to me on the plane.  Really?  And?

Here's the wonder (I know you're wondering where I'm going?!):  He knew her name, her husband's name (David Richmond if you'd like to check it out), that he was being honored in SC.  That David was one of four black men that staged a sit in at the Woolworth's restaurant in Greensboro, SC in 1960 because he couldn't buy a cup of coffee.  He went on to graduate HS, set a state high jump record, left college with only 3 credits to go for a degree in business/accounting and sadly he died in 1990 at the age of 49 of lung cancer. 

Wow.  My husband sat next to a wonder.  Part of our country's  history.  That's amazing.  These history stories are what has made us this great and wonderful nation.

God bless each and every one of you with a wonder today.  Thank you honey for being willing to experience life to its fullest and share in the amazing things around you.

Thank You Lord!!

This is Carrie Ann.  She was born in Heidelberg, Germany on May 9, 1975.  Here in the US, it would have been Mother's Day.  How appropriate that she would come on that day and be such a gift.

Several months after she was born my husband indicated that we wouldn't baptize her giving her the opportunity to make up her own mind.  This greatly distressed me but because I wasn't a whole and healthy person then, I reluctantly agreed. 

I can't tell you the years I worried about something happening to her before she agreed to come to Christ.  Worse yet, I worried that I would die and I wouldn't see her in heaven.  This caused me great distress!!! 

Today I was reading Proverbs 8 and it just spoke Carrie Ann to me. (Sorry, Michelle, you will get a double dose of Proverbs 8 today if you read both blogs.

Verse 35 and 36 read: For whoever finds me finds life and receives favor from the Lord. But whoever fails to find me harms himself; all who hate me love death. 

So here's the scoop.  Carrie attended youth group and church with us and when she left home, she left Him behind (if she really ever had him).  But through the years and particularly in 1998 after I came back and asked him back into my heart, I felt the heart crushing need to see her saved so that I knew I would see this amazing woman in heaven at the appointed time. 

I would bring God up at every turn.  Relate every situaiton in her life to christ.  One day in the kitchen, she told me to lay off the God thing or she was going to leave. It was the holy spirit telling me to lay off.  His timing is perfect, he knew what she needed and he would take care of it.

Sometimes I think we're like alcholics or addicts, in that, we must hit rock bottom before we reach out, ask for help and humbly accept it and accept it with true gratitude.

Anyway, this child showed me how amazing she was from an early age.  She potty trained herself at 20 months,; she worked two jobs through high school; she moved out when she was 18 and at 19 had a horrific car accident that required surgery on her face.  She did two and decided that was enough.  She wouldn't do any more. 

She met the love of her life, Roger.  Quite handsome, good hugger, big heart, GREAT work ethic, wonderful dad.  I knew this man was a keeper because when she had her car accident, he was the one beside her.  Yes, I was at the hospital, took her home to her apartment, got her meds, but when he found out, he came a running.  She didn't want him to see her and he said I love you any way.  As a mom hearing this, I just wanted to scoop him up and hug him.

Roger had a landscaping and snow removal business. This woman, not only went to work at her own job, but would go out with him, doing bids with him, coming home, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and preparing customized booklets for each bid. She knew everything about landscaping, plants, irrigation, snow removal (and she also plowed next to him) and accounting that he did. Do you see some of her amazing attributes??!?!?

So it wasn't until a few jobs later and 2009, February, that she called me crying indicating that she was laid off. I wasn't surprized as I had felt that God was telling her to move on from there. The first month or two were ok, relaxing, etc. Then after trying to find a job, she called and wanted to know why God did this to her. I explained that God did not do this to her, man did this. Poor choices etc.


One day she calls me and says she bought a book of The 101 most valuable verses in the bible. She had read a few and had questions. We talked. The next day she had read about 5 more pages, she was taking her book and her bible to the garage at night and reading and praying and the fire was ignited. Big time!

The questions were coming, the calls were coming so frequently I had to screen my calls.  I was excited for her.  She came to Christ in 2009 and was baptized in Nov with her two sons.  I can rest in peace (literally) knowing I will see her in heaven. 

Now, for her sisters........................

What to Do With Ourselves

Today I've read that without direction or aim, an empty life is unstable and vulnerable to many temptations.

So here we go.  As a parent we start asking early on, what do you want to be?  We push chemistry sets, doctor sets, and even race cars in front of our children hoping that one of these occupations will sink into their heads and one decision will be lifted off our shoulders.

They go through elementary and middle school never picking up the challenge of what will they be?  Soon high school is in their midst and ACTs, SATs and higher learning is around the corner.  Here's where it gets tough.

They start their high school years and they're eager to fit in.  They start talking like the others, dressing and modeling the "cool" kids.  Losing the precious person they WERE and still ARE. 

When you tell them about how their grades matter and to keep them up, they say "I know Mom".  Soon their junior year is upon them and you really start to feel the pressure. Do you have plans for after school?  Um, I don't know yet.  Still considering my options.  Maybe I'll get a job and take off a year.  Yeah, I've heard that before.

So they take off a year, working for $7 an hour flipping burgers, making coffee, or working in a bank.  Where are they going?  Nowhere.  Because for now it works.  They are living in the now and not looking down the road.  The car has gas, tires and heat (AC in the summer).  What more is there? 

When you attend high school graduation, everyone is excited to be out of school.  You ask a couple of friends, what are you going to do now?  Response:  Oh, I think I'll do my generals and see.  Oh, I'm going to take off a year.  Or the best one is:  I don't know! 

So here we have a valued life with no direction and goal.  How then can he/she get to where they are going?  Where God wants them to go so they can fulfill the purpose God has for them?  We are told that when we are doing God's will, we will be blessed.  So, to my dislike, there's a lot of people out there NOT doing God's will.

The empty life is unstable.  Why aren't we filling our children's lives with love, laughter, memories, roots and most of all a secure hold of God, who he is and what he is in their life.  By doing so, they would know the parental love of both a mom and a dad as well as their heavenly father.  They would know that if ever they feel alone and nothing in 6th grade that their heavenly father loves them.  When they are crying because their parents are getting divorced, that their heavenly father is walking with them through this and is crying also but still loves them.
That if mom or dad let them down in some way, that He is always there for them.

By giving them this solid footing they will always know where home is....they will be a complete and whole person, and will have that direction in life because they will know the Word and be secure in it.

By filling any void in their life, by ensuring that they feel loved, happy, secure and confident, they can make those tough decisions for their life and not become vulnerable to temptations. 

May you have a blessed day and God brings you a wonderful surprise.

Help For Today

Housing market is down, businesses closing by the many, people losing their job by the thousands it seems each week, our economy in a slump, and the future for our children and grandchildren looks bleak.   Read this in Psalms today:

Praise be to the Lord
 for he has heard my cry for mercy
The Lord is my strength and my shield
 my heart trusts in him, and I am helped
My heart leaps for joy
 and I will give thanks to him in song

The Lord is the strength of his people
 a fortress of salvation for his anointed one
Save your people and bless your inheritance
 be their shepherd and carry them forever.

In your holy and most precious name,   Amen

A Great Day!!

Martin and I spent the day with Mindi, Chris and Jonathan.  What a day!!! 

They have created a wonderfully warm and comfortable home for themselves.  Little Jonathan was napping and we had time to see the slideshow of their trip to Hawaii.  What great pictures they take. 

But it was different this time.  It felt like some part of our barrier had come down and our time together was real, genuine, and warm.

Jonathan is such a character.  He did his A-Z puzzle, knowing his letters and what they stand for.  For 20 months old, he is a bundle.

We talked about Michelle (her sister) being pregnant and her possibly getting pregnant and delivering this year.  What a Christmas that would make!! 

In the begining of our marriage. my relationship with Mindi was distant.  But after a serious and heartfelt talk several years ago, effort on both our parts, I feel like our relationship is evolving.   

I cannot tell you how much this means to me.  I purposely didn't say "yes" to his marriage proposal five times because of Shelli and Mindi.  I prayed about them constantly...waiting for my heart to open, accept and love them as my own.  It did and I do became a reality on Nov 16, 96.

After accepting Christ into my heart again in 1998, I started to change and shed the old and fleshly things of life.  The more important things, rose to the top.  Family, kids, life, relationships, and love.

There's a whole world of people out there to love......open your arms, your hearts and fill them and the spaces in your life with them.

I was wondering if my little warrior, Garrett had anything to do with it.  After all, when our purpose on earth has been fulfilled, it's time to go home.  If it was you sweetheart, thank you and I miss you.

Love to all my girls....all five!!! 
Meagan, Candice, Carrie and Shelli

Change It Up

Too often we complain about our problems to anyone who will listen and praise God in private.  How much better it would for us if we complained in private and praised God publicly.